It’s been a month of anniversaries all of which converge here.

Five years have passed since Scott died and two years have passed since I started this blog. Both of these are observed, but not celebrated.

So, I will ignore the first and discuss the second. As an observation.

When I decided to start the blog, I chose to call it The Widow Woman for several reasons:
1. It’s true and therefore descriptive of me
2. It’s ironic and therefore funny to me
3. Pioneer Woman was already taken

When I say the The Widow Woman is descriptive of me what I mean is that I am a Woman and I am a Widow. After that the description falls apart. Widow Woman in your mind and mine conjures up an old (let’s say late 80s) lady, frail and stooped, with white hair done up by her “hairdresser” every week, often capped by a lace veil. She is wearing a long, black shirtwaist dress with a proper white lace collar, a la Judge Ruth Bader Ginsberg (my particular idol.) She goes out rarely, mostly to church or the occasional women’s group meeting. Not book club, oh no, much to worldly, my goodness. In her off hours, she crochets doilies for her home and walks the parapets of her house along the appropriately named “Widow’s Walk. She wears sensible shoes.

I daresay I am not that. Not any of that. (Although I do wear and have written Sensible Shoes.)

After Scott died, I made two decisions regarding myself and my new reality, both of which flew in the face of the term Widow Woman (which is why I find it ironic, and therefore, funny.)

THE FIRST DECISION

1. To choose happiness: this involves laughing easily and sometimes too loudly. Watching uplifting, happy TV. Spending time with people I love: my siblings, my children, their children, and friends old and new. Going to bed when I’m sleepy, eating when I’m hungry (all the wrong things.) Reading as much as I want (all the wrong things) and wasting way too much time frittering the day away with coffee, word games and crosswords. All these things make me smile. They bring me joy and I’m good with that.

Happiness also means surrounding myself with color. I dress in color. I do not own a black dress (or lace collars for that matter.) My closet is a rainbow. Sister Carol saw a picture of it during Pandemic and her response was, “Wow, there’s a lot of red in there.” She would notice, of course, because her closet contains only khaki and black linen. She is very stylish.

My house is also a riot of color. Downstairs is blue/green and orange. Yes, yes it is! And upstairs my office is the blue/yellow combo you see above. Other areas are more subdued: bedroom in white farmhouse, guestroom in black and white with a French accent, media room/den in lodge-y browns. These are more inherited rooms and less newly minted since I re-discovered my true self.

THE SECOND DECISION

2. To say “YES” to new adventures: scary at first, this meant I was driving all over Dallas when I hadn’t driven much of any place in forever. Scott always drove. I never paid attention to how we got there. I remember the evening after his funeral, I drove to Leigh Ann’s to spend the weekend with her and Carol. I had never driven there alone and it felt foreign and frightening to be behind the wheel. Since then I have driven all over the Metroplex and taken car-loads of people to Ft. Worth, Mineola and Broken Bow, OK. I have gotten lost crossing I-30 and on every mix-master from here to yonder. I’ve learned to trust my gut while I pay attention to my hunky Irish Siri. Yes, he’s a man. Isn’t yours?

As you know by now, I love to travel. Scott and I loved to travel, and we did it as often as we could. In his later years, he didn’t walk well, so we were limited, but we still drove to Waco, Santa Fe, San Antonio, and Ft. Worth. I have carried on that tradition since he died, saying YES to the Caribbean with Molly, Adam and Corey; Ireland and Greece with Scott’s sister Diane and husband Jeff; England to see my friend Andria Rucker; and last fall to France with Leigh Ann, Adam and Corey. Not to mention two trips to Portland to visit Erin, Kate and Oliver; plus forays out with Tapestry and another with Adam to Mineola. My amazing children traveled with me to Georgia for a weekend reunion at Leigh Ann’s lake house, where I have also been multiple times now, and hope to go to again this year.

I am the most fortunate of people in that I have been able to take on these adventures with people I love. That they have wanted to travel with me is a gift I do not take lightly. That I can afford to do it has been a huge blessing, although this is the year I am paying the piper and Capital One.

A lot has happened in five years. A lot has changed. And a lot hasn’t. And I still remember that day as if it were yesterday. And I still cry sometimes, not as often, but still. Life can be lonely now and quiet and I keep music playing in the house and I talk to Scott and to myself, probably an unhealthy amount. But then I will turn on the TV, or set the table for company, or talk to one of my children on the phone, and I am content.

There are many more adventures ahead, I hope, more laughter, more color, more travel, and more time spent with those I love. I am saying YES to being happy. I am saying YES to all life has to offer. I am saying YES to the future.

I am The Widow Woman. And I say YES.